19 January 2007

Wilco and Thrush (what a combo!)

ElijahbeanOne of the main reasons that we moved to Nashvegas some 5 years ago was our mutual attraction to the music scene here. Pre-kids we went out frequently to dance our booties off. Well, I danced, Evan mainly just bobbed his head. Not to sound like complete party animals, but Evan and I got to go out on Wednesday night this week, too. Anyhoo, we went to see Jeff Tweedy of Wilco. He played a quaint, warm, sit-down show at TPAC. The entire night, I felt like we were getting away with something.

Also, in the news, and completely separately, Evan and Ollie went to the store tonight to pick up some formula, or as my mama friends call it "Devil's Milk." While in line, there was a woman in front of him and a man behind that knew one another. The woman made some sort of comment about how glad she was that she didn't have to worry about formula because she breast fed. I am so glad I wasn't there. First, I would have cried. Which I did when Evan told me, and then I would have gone off. I maybe would have shown her, a complete stranger, my bloody, blue nipples, and drowned her with a whole story of my trial and error voodoo to get rid of this curse.

But, this encounter got me thinking. Seriously, most women that I know, women that have nursed themselves and haven't had any problems, really cannot fathom what a problem thrush is, or for that matter any type of problems with nursing. Wrapped up in the physical problem, is all sorts of internal strife and guilt. Evan's measly encounter with a women who made an off-hand, no-nothing-about-his-situation comment made me cry (what if I where dead, and he HAD to give him formula???). I guess what I am getting at here is that you just really never know a person's situation. You often can't see pain or understand a person's motives. Nevertheless, so often we are quick to be proud and judge one another based on or own experiences. I am the same way!

I am self conscious about formula in part because I respect my friends and I don't want them to judge me based on our necessity, my necessity to give Eli formula at 8 months of age. I often feel like a failure and surely as if I am not living up to my toughmama image. It makes me feel un-cool not to nurse exclusively. I then have to stop and think that all these reasons are so stupid, and no-one's really thinking of me anyway, and when I have I EVER cared what other's thought, and for pete's sake, the kid IS 8 months old.

Okay, enough rambling, but tonight, yet again, I am reminded of the statement about pride coming before a fall. I am reminded not to judge others, and lastly, I am reminded that I should treasure every intimate moment that I am allowed with my children including when I have the pleasure of feeding them. Even if it is formula every once in a while.


lulu said...

well said. you're on the right path working through this dreadful curse of the thrush. although it has been a hellish nightmare, there is some type of lesson to be learned in everything. you may not have 2 healthy nipples right now, but you do have 2 nimble hands, 2 feet to keep you upright, & 2 good eyes with which to see the angel faces of your 2 beautiful children.

though this doesn't diminish your pain & frustration, just remember, we must have resistance to fly.

i keep you in my prayers & send much positive energy.

(ps - i think it was inappropriate for you-know-who to tell you what the lady said in the store!)

Mariposa said...

Thanks for the kind words, and maybe in retrospect not the best idea, but I am glad of he did. You never know with me if I will laugh or cry. I honestly think he meant no harm by it, and neither did the lady.

Anonymous said...

You made a comment as we were getting in the car tonight that "You felt like a fool" when you tried to nurse. Why? I think everyone can relate to trying it one more time...