12 January 2007

Sleep Log and the Not-so-supermom blues

Ok, let's get honest. Those closest to me already know, but sleep in this house is almost non-existent. We keep a record on the dry-erase board on the fridge. Last night Eli was awake as such: 7:24, 7:41, 7:59, 8:37 (Notice the proximity of time is such that I was able to close my eyes, think "this might be it")(Also note, that each time, the kid was limp, totally asleep, totally oblivious to the dog barking or sirens or anything.)(Also note, that I wasn't actually asleep yet, but rather pouting in bed because I was soooo tired.)OK, then awake again at 11:36, 12:03, 12:22, 1:47-2:00, and blissfully asleep until 5:03, which I might add was 3 minutes after my alarm, instead of before, which he has been doing. So. I DID get 3 hours of uninterrupted, which kept me sane today with 150 teenagers, but not enough to keep me up partying on a Friday night.

I vaguely remember the same thing with Ollie. Actually I remember the most one night in particular: getting on the computer with a full glass of wine, and thinking, I can drink more than 1 glass if I choose, because it is relatively certain that he is going to sleep all night. So deep down I know that this will pass, and I will miss rocking and cuddling, as even now the almost 3 year old will rarely let me do. But for now, quite frankly, it is hell. We hate it. And yes the hubby helps, but I am nursing, and even when he goes out to "put a cork in it" or put the paci in, I am still awake. Wide awake.

May I bitch some more? Okay, let's while I'm on a role. Thrush is the worse curse known to women. Awful. I believe that I am going to have to throw in the towel, and go to formula only. I hate it. But, I truly feel like someone has slit my nipples with razors, and is pouring alcohol on them every time I nurse. My nipples are dry, cracked, oozing, and aching. I carry them around like road kill. It hurts worse knowing many women that have survived it, have survived worse, nurse til children are past 2 and on. I don't know that I can do that, and sometimes I rationalize it and say, well, I work full time, etc... And other times I feel like a big cop-out failure. A little pain and straight to the bottle I go. I keep thinking that if I just hang on it will go away. I have had it since way before Christmas, and no change except for the worse. I feel like showing my nipples to every person I know so they can say, yep, time to stop nursing, those are the worst nipples I have ever seen. Oh, and for the public!! I am more embarrassed to bottle feed in public than to nurse. For some reason I feel like that says something about me. Like I don't care enough about my children! Like I don't trust God and nature enough! Oh my! Ackkkk, such turmoil!

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